Reasons of the Heart
by Chaeann Bourne
Summary: Five couples of the Seireitei, more than thirty years post winter war, are struggling to keep their marriages alive. Could you hand not being good enough? Could you hand losing a child and feeling at fault? Could you handle never having kids? Could you handle cheating? Could you handle being the perfect couple when you're hardly a couple? Would you make it? I/R -T/K -I/M -R/Y -B
1. Prologue

Reasons of the Heart

Prologue

_~~~O tanoshimi kudasai~~~_

When we look back on our marriage and our love we want to see all the happy times and we want to see everything that we've been through and survived. You don't want to look back and see every mistake you made or every thoughtless moment you spent that ultimately led to your relationship crumbling. You don't want to see the troubles you caused your friends and family and children. I've spent thirty years with the same woman and I can honestly say I've loved the same woman for far more than thirty years. From the moment I met my wife I swore there would be no other. Sure from time to time I would wonder what it would be like to be a normal human but then I remember that aside from the odd job here or there I have what I would have wanted…a family and a wife whom I love dearly.

Couples fight and couples argue and some couples...they don't make it. I can say that sometimes in my marriage I've wondered if my wife and I would make it but right now…I'm just grey I suppose. All I know is that there are reasons that we stay who we are and say we belong with someone. They aren't always reasons we can vocalize and they aren't always reasons we can physically touch. I suppose people could say that our reasons are pointless. Even I can admit that sometimes I've had doubts that these reasons are even worth it but I've come to understand, and so have many others have as well, that there are parts of us that we can't change and won't completely understand because ultimately they are reasons of the heart.


	2. Chapter 1

Reasons of the Heart

Chapter One

_~~~O tanoshimi kudasai~~~_

My lips parts and a shuttering sigh left them as I lay curled in our bed hugging one of his pillows to my chest. I'm so stupid I've hurt him again. Of course I was stupid and told him that he was a terrible husband…I lied about all of it because maybe he'll realize that he's too good for me that he deserves better than what I am. He's perfect even my sister-in-law says so. He tries so hard to be with us all the time and to make our life perfect. He strives to make our home the best home possible and sometimes he even works over time and pulls all night shifts only to rush home before the kids get back from their school lessons and go back when they go to bed. He's the perfect dad and I'm not even together enough to make them breakfast without mixing up what they like and don't like. He's the perfect husband too. Not once, in all the years that we've been together, has he yelled at me or screamed and said something he shouldn't have and yet at every turn I'm yelling at him or calling him stupid because he did something that wasn't appropriate enough to the adopted Kuchiki now Kurosaki. He takes everything I throw at him in stride and does everything I tell him too. He tells me he loves me every day sometimes twice a day or even more than that. He always kisses me hello and goodbye and tells me that it's okay if I don't want more children that he'll just use protection or that it's okay if I don't want to have sex he'll just go to the bathroom and finish off so I can go to sleep.

He deserves a wife that won't yell because he does something that isn't like a noble would. He deserves a wife that wants to cherish his body and hold him tight at every chance she gets. He deserves a wife that cooks for him and can tell him she loves him every morning and every night. Ichigo just doesn't deserve me because I'm not perfect in fact I'm so much less than he is that sometime I sit wonder what he even sees in a woman like me. Of course that's the reason I'm so mean to him because I want him to realize that I'm not that important…that he shouldn't love…me that he shouldn't have died for me and given up everything he had for me.

~~CxB~~

I groaned and placed my head in my hands as my eyes violently held back tears. Am I really that terrible of a man to have as a husband? Her brother, who heard from his wife who my wife told, tells me that I am not providing for the things Rukia needs and then when I work more to gain the money for those needs my wife tells me that I never want to spend time with her and that I'm a terrible father because I work so much that I barely ever see our children. Then she tells me that I'm drunk, when I'm not, and not to come home tonight when I get frustrated and break my pen. So now I'm stuck sleeping in the taicho quarters of the gobantai barracks.

I stand and grab the sake that Renji thought he hid in my office before pouring myself a glass of it. I drink the glass down quickly and stare at the bottle of sake. I toss my cup at the wall and watch as it shatters before grabbing the bottle of sake and sliding down until my back is against the desk and I'm sitting on the floor. I drink from the bottle and feel the angry tears drop down my cheeks. Never once have I yelled at my wife…I used to…when we first met all those years ago but after we got married I swore to never yell at her and treasure her for the amazing woman she is. Now it seems like I'm failing and our marriage is failing.

I find that the little bit of sake in the bottle is gone and without a care I throw that too at the wall and watch as it shatters. My head falls onto my arms which are across my knees and I begin to murmur the words of a song my mother used to sing when I was a boy. I feel my shoulders shake as pull my head back and look out the window up at the night sky. I hope I'm not the only one out there having marriage problems then again I know I'm not. Hell even my sister is having problems…but hers are worse she and her husband lost a child in an attack in district 23 a month ago and there have been problems between them ever since.

~~CxB~~

My eyes streamed with tears and each one rolled off my cheek and hit the pillow and bed making them wet. My nose was running and my eyes were probably bloodshot already but I didn't deserve to cry! I didn't deserve to be alive after what I did. I killed our child! I killed the child that my husband and I worked for so many years to produce. Not only that but I probably destroyed the only chance we ever had to have a child with my stupidity. Unohana-taicho told me when I woke up that I endured severe damage to my reproductive organs and that I may never have a baby again and of course I cried and cried. I cried for the child that I knew I had lost and for the children that we would never have. I cried because I let Toshiro down and because I knew how bad he wanted to have kids.

I couldn't let him touch me because I knew he blamed me…hell I blame me. I hate myself for being so stupid…all I wanted was stupid watermelon and I knew Toshiro would be home soon and that he could get it on his way home but I was stubborn and wanted it then and there. Of course I was stupid and used shunpo to get to District 23 and of course I didn't think to run from those men. Of course I was stupid and got myself hurt and my child got killed…I didn't deserve his comfort when he should despise me as much as I despised myself.

~~CxB~~

I watched helplessly as my wife hid her tears in our bed and her shoulder shook. Her fingers clutched at her shoulders and her lips let out a shaky sigh every so often. She wouldn't let me touch her even if I tried. She probably blames me for not getting there to save her on time. She probably hates me because I was too late…I was a few second too late he had already killed our unborn child when I got there and I didn't know until Unohana-taicho told me after surgery. Karin had awoken crying her eyes out because she knew. I had tried to touch her then and she just pushed me away and curled into a ball. She sobbed herself to sleep for a full week before just stopping all together and acting like she was getting better. Hell my own wife won't even look me in the eyes now. I haven't felt her loving fingers through my hair or her tender kisses on my lips in nearly a month. I know it's my fault and I spend every moment blaming myself because I've tried to apologize and I know she still blames me because I promised to protect her and our child with everything I had and yet I failed. I failed because I had to work and I couldn't make it in time because I was weak and I wasn't fast enough.

"Karin…" Her name passes my lips without my realizing it and she wipe at her face trying to rid it of the tears that we both knew she had been crying.

She clears her throat and pulls the sheets tighter to her body before forcing her body to relax. "Goodnight Toshiro…love you…" She falls silent again and I nod before curling up facing her back. There had been space between us while we slept since the first night she was home.

"Love you too Karin…" I resist the urge to pull her toward me and instead roll onto my back to stare up at our ceiling counting the marks in its white paint. We won't make it much longer after this and to be honest I'm afraid I won't be the only one. Not only is my brother-in-law's marriage falling to shambles but so is my best friend's.

~~CxB ~~

I began to cry again knowing that he wasn't coming home and guessing that he was out drinking again. I knew deep inside that he was cheating on me and I was damn sure it was with another man too but I didn't want to admit that I had possibly turned someone gay. I didn't want to admit that the only thing I knew was suddenly gone and I was left to think on what everyone would say. They'd laugh for sure and maybe even look at me as if I had some disease. They all knew and I just wanted to deny it. I wanted to deny that I was a silly little girl who once again got crushed by a man.

The worst part is that Aizen hadn't hurt my pride as much as Izuru is. Aizen used me and didn't tell me he loved me…he never said I meant anything to him. Izuru…he used me as a front for his homosexuality…everyone knows it. He had told me countless times that he loves me and that I mean the world to him and at one point I actually believed him but now I'm left in our bedroom alone at night while crying my eyes out. I should have known something was wrong when we never had good sex or when he just didn't come home some night but would show up to work in shihakushos that weren't his. I just didn't want to admit that he would cheat on me much less for another man. I suppose I am not good enough for a man unless they want to use me. Am I easily manipulated?

~~CxB~~

I stared at the wall in front of me as I felt my lover's arm tighten around me as he slept. I knew what I was doing to my wife was wrong. I knew in the very pits of my soul how I was making her look but I couldn't deny the attraction I felt toward Hisagi. I knew people knew I was cheating on Momo but no one ever said anything…no one ever hit me or told me just to leave her. Hell even my lover just told me to do whatever makes me happiest. "Izu…you need to go to sleep we have work in the morning…" He lips graze my neck and I sigh before relaxing into his arms and turning onto my back to I can look at him.

"I know Shuhei but I just can't stop thinking about everything I mean I'm cheating on my wife…for a man…" His lips curve in a frown as his arms tighten around me and he noses along the bite mark on my shoulder blade.

He releases an impressive set of grunts that I can vaguely make out as words. "Gomen nasai Izu…but I can't stop myself when I'm near you…I just want you." I chuckle and turn in his arms to stare down at him. I offer a soft smile and press my lips to his before falling asleep lying against his chest. I suppose I'm not the only one messing up my marriage because it seems like even Renji's marriage is getting messed up and he seems to have the best marriage out of all of us except of course Kuchiki.

~~CxB~~

I felt my husband's arms tighten slightly around my waist and I patted his hand in mine. He's been worry about our house and money so much lately that sometimes I feel like he doesn't even see me. It's like he's trying so hard to please me without asking me what I want. Sometimes he does things that are so over the top and big that I don't think I'll live down the embarrassment of being treated like that. I'm happy the way things are and I suppose he doesn't see that. I don't mind that I'm not a shinigami and that I'm a house wife. I actually like teaching all the children of the couples around here. I get to spend a lot of time with my nieces and nephew as well as with all my friends' children even if I can't have my own.

Renji wants to make my life so great so that I don't need children but he keeps forgetting that all I need is him to be there with me. I like waking up in our small apartment every morning with him hugging me to his chest. I like making him breakfast and having a small enough kitchen that we brush against each other. I like having a small house because it fits me. I spend all day in large rooms that are sweet but too big for everyone to be together really and I like to come back to my small home and cook for my husband. I like that I can be close to him whenever I need to be. "I love you Renji…"

~~CxB~~

I hold my wife tighter to my chest and tell her that I love her as well before returning my gaze to looking around our small room. She keeps our house so well organized so we don't trip over everything due to its size. I know she says she doesn't want a big house but I feel like it will never become our home because it was my home before she moved in here five years ago. I just don't want her to feel like I don't love her. I want her to feel like the princess she is. I want her to be able to come home and relax in the peace and quiet of the country side in the first district. I want her to be able to not worry about our neighbors hearing us or thinking stupid stuff if they see inside our windows and see a mess. I want Yuzu to be happy.

I remember the day we got married and how I promised to take care of her…well I don't feel like I've been taking good enough care of her. I wake up to breakfast, she packs me my lunch, and she even makes dinner for us. In between all of this she even teaches all of the children. I know it's hard for her because she knows that I can't give her children…hell if I could I would have already but I just can't. I wish I could give her everything in the world to make up for my inability to reproduce. Sometimes I wish I had the perfect marriage like my taicho.

~~CxB~~

I lay back wrapping my body in the cold sheets and sigh softly to myself wondering if my husband would ever come back to bed. Of course I guess he only enters my room on the rare occasion he find himself sexually starved because any other time he sleeps in his own quarters stating that he did not wish to wake me when he left for work. It was all a lie I knew he didn't find me attractive and that I disgusted him. Of course he barely paid mind to our child either because she wasn't a boy. He would grace my bed with his presence whenever he got word that I was fertile because his family demanded that he have a male heir. Our daughter cries quite often when he shuns her in front of everyone. I've even heard him deny her the Kuchiki name before the elders of his home.

I remember when he used to love me and when we used to have sex all night in my barracks…but then we got married against his family's wishes and they've done everything in their power, aside from trying to kill me, to get rid of me. They've broken Byakuya to the point where he doesn't care if he ends up alone because he doesn't want to do anything but we go about our days pretending to be the perfect couple and the perfect family for risk of tarnishing the Kuchiki name.

~~CxB~~

I sipped the sake lightly before pouring myself another glass. I can't believe I let my family ruin another one of my marriages. I know that right now it's all an act and that my wife probably hates me to the point where if it wasn't for my family threatening to kill her she would leave and take my beautiful daughter with her. My daughter…she's the light of my world and yet my family forbid me from naming her heir to the Kuchiki clan and demands a male heir from my wife and I. I love Sui-feng and would do anything to protect her including pushing her and my daughter away. I know if I remain close to them that my family with poison them and kill them like they did my previous wife Hisana.

I hate that I've left my family ruin another marriage so I guess I feel like less than what I should when I see my sister's husband being absolutely perfect at everything. Not only does he work to own a house and support his family but he never argues with my sister and he never tells her mean things. He's the perfect husband to her and I see how she feels less than perfect beside him…I mean who wouldn't. I also see how much of a wonderful father he is. I wish I could be the father to my daughter that he is to his three children. I wish I could be a father to my daughter without the risk of my family killing her or my wife.

~~CxB~~

All I want if for my marriage to work out...all I want is to be happy…


End file.
